There is a great deal of pressure to conform to societal expectations of dating, and then eventually marriage. One writer even goes so far as to call the single years past 25 "The Panic Years." She couldn't be more right. Every year more of my friends and family marry; every year come those awkward moments at weddings. Relatives ask if I have a boyfriend, have found "The One," or worse, am married yet. Any single who is over 25 knows what I mean; weddings seem to invite this sort of behavior. Once you reach that magical quarterly milestone, singleness is full of embarrassing moments like this.
Pressure is worse in the church. If singleness is pandemic, so is the pressure to marry. It usually starts around the age of 21 - younger if the single in question attends a conservative church. Singleness beyond a certain age is held to be sinful and unnatural, and many writers blame Christian men - men who receive and must sort through the same messages as their single sisters. Christian bookstores stock far more books on marriage and how to reach this state than books on singleness. Singleness is the problem, and marriage is the solution. This notion is prized despite the fact that divorce statistics for Christians mirror that of the rest of the world. Marriage, like singleness, is a state, not a solution.
While singleness beyond 25 is held to be unnatural, it is also a holy time between the single and Jesus. The latter point is carried to extremes: a single woman isn't allowed to look, or even to desire a husband other than Christ. I've lost count of the number of times I've been told some variation of “If you stop looking for love you’ll find it.” These conflicting values create a generation of Christian singles that want love, but are afraid to admit it.
Love whispers nervously in the pews, but it shouts at us from the billboards. The pervasive value that society puts on romance is inescapable: turn the radio on; turn the TV on or go to the movies, and within five minutes you will hear about somebody’s emotionally profound experience in love. The Beatles tell us that all we need is love; Romeo and Juliet were willing to die for it. Since these messages bombard from every direction, even the most contented single can take a hit.
Despite the number of resources available on the subject, we are no wiser than our ancestors. We write, sing and speak about what we don't understand. Humans have invented courtship models to direct and contain it. While some direction is good, no human invention can ever be perfect. Old models of courtship are romanticized today; however, for the better part of last millennium, courtship was heavily based on the social standing of one's family. King Agur's words in Proverbs 30:18-19 continue to be true today. We may blame modern convention for our troubles, but ambiguity concerning love is as old as mankind.
"There are three things that are too amazing for me,
four that I do not understand:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a snake on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
and the way of a man with a maiden.
- Proverbs 30:18-19
Love in a postmodern society is a game without rules. Christians blame the world, but ambiguity is also present in the conflicting social mores of the church. However, we must keep in mind that confusion is not a God-ordained state; it's a human one that God doesn't wish on us at all (1 Cor. 14:33).
Fortunately, the Bible has a lot to say on the subject. Read on below:
- Take it slow: Christ commands that we approach marriage soberly, with maturity and discernment (Matt 19:7-12).
- Sexual Purity: Purity is a direction that starts in the mind, and extends forward to deeds of the body - including dating. Keep your mind pure (Prov. 4:23; 2 Timothy 2:22), by reading the Word (Psalm 40:8, 94:12, 119:9, 11; 2 Tim. 2:15), and your actions will follow (Matt 12:35, 15:17-20, Phil. 4:6-9).
- Past Relationships: Don't live in the past, and forgive those who have wronged you (Matt 18:21-35; Phil 3:13-14).
- Only Date and Marry Believers: Choose a likeminded Christian who's on the same page as you are (2 Cor 6:14-18).
I plan on addressing each point separately in the entries to come.
